My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. “Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?” she said.
Being the nice guy I am I thought “Bugger it, I’ll treat her, she deserves it”, so we walked past it again.
There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife…’When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.’
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there – dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
‘Wait just a moment!’
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, ‘Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.’
The loyal wife replied,
‘Listen, I’m a Christian;
I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.’
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?’
‘I sure did,’ said the wife.
‘I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque….
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.’
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullsh!t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
This song was originally banned because of copyright infringement despite being a parody. It’s now, oh thank thee Lord, back for good.
He’s suave and sophisticated, and he’ll ski on your lunch if he wants:
Mr Bond, why don’t you f*ck off back to London on your jet pack?
Got milk?
I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she’s interested in,
She said: Cheque books.
*****
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the
prices of new car.
*****
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
*****
Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
*****
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute
and then expects your pulse to be normal.
*****
Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
*****
Q: Why dogs don’t marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life!
*****
Q: What’s the difference between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you
continue to do so.
*****
Q: Singh enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and
closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
A: Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
*****
What’s the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary?
One says “Good morning, boss”. The other says “It’s morning, boss.”
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK.
She replies “yes”.
He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting inside the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said…
“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”
Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me – I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setters **** and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Sainsbury’s.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
